Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
