I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
