Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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