I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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