Plan B is the new Plan A
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
