Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Just puked most of my soul out..
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
