I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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