6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he thought i was a dude.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
