I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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