So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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