Pants 0. Shit 1.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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