omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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