apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
