Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
