Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
