She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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