I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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