Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
