i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
