WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
