my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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