can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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