Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
