**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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