Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
