He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
