I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
