it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
