lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
