the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
