just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
