When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
