I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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