I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
