Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
