You smell like a Billy Joel song
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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