i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
