my vag is so smooth its legendary
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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