At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
