YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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