Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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