How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
