The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
