To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
