It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Randomize
