I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
