dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
