god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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