I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
