what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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